Just to Shake Things Up...

…here are some pictures of Spike around the same age (give or take a couple months) as Fang Fang is now. Wasn’t he delectable? Those cheeks! That hair! He doesn’t really have the same kind of curls anymore – he grew out of the ringlets – and when I look at pictures like these I miss them so much! He was born the child he is today. Sweet and easy, a little sensitive, totally loving, so smart, affectionate and funny, very comfortable in his own skin. And I think that’s how it works – you’re born with your soul and personality intact. I can’t wait to see what Fang Fang’s little personality is really like.

I realize I’m flooding my blog with ALL! FANG! FANG! ALL! THE! TIME! But you have to remember that I had to keep all her photos and information private until we had our Letter of Confirmation – so I can’t help wanting to share now. And let’s face it, I am terribly distracted. It’s awfully hard for me not to think of her night and day. I have been working on our new script and I am writing in this strange, out of sync, neither here nor there way – and thank Maude for Y., who doesn’t mind putting pieces together when necessary. She enjoys a good jigsaw puzzle, I think. Which is lucky, because I seem to be making a thousand piece puzzle at the rate I’m writing lately.

I really wanted to write something a bit thoughtful tonight. Maybe about the similarities between this last bit of waiting and the last few weeks of being pregnant, maybe about being a Preferential Adopter (how’s that for a totally wicked, fucked up term?) or about how I am trying to decide whether or not to wade into more controversial waters and publicly express some ideas and opinions I have about this whole adoption thing we are groping our way through – or, conversely, why I don’t tend to blog about these bigger issues. Doing a transracial, international adoption of a child with special needs leaves you with a lot to ponder and discuss, for sure. And I am so, so very grateful to the people out there who are willing to ponder and sort these issues out loud. These people helped me find my way towards my daughter. I know the value of a well written, thoughtful, honest blog. But, like with the pictures I post (I feel okay posting Spike as a baby, and I feel okay posting Fang Fang photos now, and probably you’ll see all of us once I set up the blog I’m going to use in China, but eventually, I’ll probably make pictures of the kids private again. I’m just a little paranoid) I often think long and hard about just how much I want to share, and just how publicly open I want to be about these issues. And certainly, right now, while my brain is still beating a drum that goes…”Normal Life, Normal Life FANG FANG! Normal Life Normal Life FANG FANG!...” I’m not sure I’m even capable of saying what I want to say in a coherent or legible way. Plus it’s nearly 3 in the morning. I’ve got to kill these late nights. I love working late, because the house is quiet and no one calls, but my days are kind of shot and spend a lot of time in Zombie mode when I work this way.

Anyway, I won’t be writing anything particularly thoughtful tonight. People will just have to be content with the six year old Baby Candy pictures and my rambling incoherent half thoughts. Maybe tomorrow. Oh, no, wait – my sister Ren – the Revolutionary – will be arriving tomorrow night – fresh from Cuba (via a few weeks in Eugene – same difference, right? Heh). And then Gina, and then some good friends and their daughter, too. So I’m probably out of here for a while. But maybe I’ll come back next week with something half way smart to say.  Or, if we're lucky, more exciting news about traveling!