You know, it’s funny. Because I actually woke up this morning feeling like I wanted to erase my last post. I felt like I was whining. Or complaining. Or casting myself as hipper-than-thou against those moms in the bakery yesterday. And I’m totally not. They were perfectly cool, nice, intelligent women – people I’m sure I would enjoy spending time with. And I also felt like I was fanning the flames of the mommy wars a little – which I never mean to do. But after I read the comments that were left in response to the post, I guess I’m glad I wrote it. I obviously touched a nerve. But I don’t think I expressed myself quite as well as I wanted to.
Here’s what I want to say about playgroups – and Mom and Me classes – and the rabbit hole of first time motherhood. I want to say… that’s it’s sort of like grad school. That it’s all about the connections you can make. And that I truly, deeply believe that mothers, most especially new mothers- (but, hey, I’ll go out on a limb and say all mothers)- need a community around them. They need support. They need like-minded, understanding women who get what they are going through. And however women get that support – be it through storytime mommy groups, communal parenting, wine and cheese playdates, or merely email – is way more than okay with me. I mean, that’s one of the best, most important, lessons I learned the first time around. That’s what all my work at Hipmama and Mamaphonic and my dang book was all about – community building! And the stark truth that motherhood is rich and wonderful and also hard as hell – but if we band together, and talk truth about it, and support each other, we can not only get through it, but that it can be realized as an art of its own.
I had Spike relatively young, and none of my friends were parents yet, and I was stuck on Staten Island and feeling very alone– and, seriously, I would have killed for a playgroup back in those early months. And the only way I survived was through Hipmama.com – which was essentially a virtual playgroup (and I still see that many, many mothers still rely on the internet to find some release and support. And I certainly still do. I mean- Molly, Linda, Tracie, Stacy…would I have found any of these women without email?) and Hipmama saved my butt (and later gave me a work identity outside of SAHM). I wasn’t suffering being home with Spike – I was actually crazy in love – totally absorbed – way, way, way down the rabbit hole – but I really needed other people around me who understood that. And understood that my days now revolved around naps and nursing and grinding up food. I needed people who wouldn’t turn up their nose at the scent of baby vomit and wet diapers. And I didn’t really have that in the real world until one of my best friends, who happened to live downstairs from me, had her baby boy almost exactly a year after Spike was born. And then, for a while, I was fine. Because really, all I needed was just one person who understood what I was going through, and was available to me almost 24-7 (such a small, small thing to ask!). We met daily. We strapped our baby boys into their Bjorns and walked through the botanical gardens and talked about sore nipples and sleep schedules and laughed about how we were never going to have sex again. And we were happy. And then, for many reasons, I moved. I moved up here. And I didn’t know anyone. And Spike was now 1 and a half. And I now knew enough to know that I needed other moms. So that’s when I joined groups. I marched myself over to the local chapter of La Leche League and I went to a couple of meetings- and that’s all it took to meet my first friend up here, who was an artist and a SAHM, and had a son just a few months younger than Spike, and glory be! lived five minutes down the road from me! I have spent countless hours at her kitchen table. I have had endless conversations about work and motherhood and everything else under the sun with this woman. In fact, I was over at her house two days ago watching her roll a ball around on the floor with my new daughter as our sons ran around outside! And then I joined another group – this one was for Waldorf inclined parents – and it took me about three meetings to realize that I really wasn’t Waldorf inclined – but it only took me one meeting to meet Ellen – who was my age, and got my references, and was funny and sharp, and who had an absolutely delightful little girl who was about six months younger than Spike, – and we saw each other across a crowded room and immediately recognized a kinship. So, see – that’s what I mean about grad school. I got my MFA and met two or three people who really understood my work and gave me great critiques. I joined some mom groups and met two or three people who I honestly liked and wanted to spend time with and who I am still good friends with to this day. And later, of course, after Spike was in school – there was the almighty playdate – a surefire way to meet more friends than I knew what to do with – the way I met some women who I know will truly be in my life for as long as I live. And those people – those women- are so important to me! My life is richer and better and saner and hella more fun because I have them around. So seriously, I’m not knocking the playgroup. And I don’t think, and I don’t want my little sister to think, that story time is The Man.
Because the only reason I can write what I wrote about saying no to story time is because I am firmly on the other side of the abyss. I have lots of friends. I have lots of support. This whole mom thing isn’t new to me. I had some idea what I was in for (both good and bad) when I chose to do this all over again. I can navigate it with some degree of hindsight. And I know that I will need to find some moms who have kids Fang Fang’s age. And I know I will need to find some local families who have been created through international adoption. And I know that I will totally have Molly to lean on in a couple more months. And I know that I have the friends who I have now – almost all of which have children – and they more than get it. And though this shot at motherhood will surely be as transformative as motherhood always is (and motherhood is nothing if not transformative. I am always aghast at the moms-to-be who swear up and down that they will be exactly the same after they have kids) I also know that (and I suppose this what I so inelegantly was trying to get at with yesterday’s post) I don’t have the luxury this time of completely upending my life for my little girl. I mean, all the upending I already did for Spike is still pretty much in place- so she will benefit from that. But I am honestly just flailing a little right now – because not only do I have this incredible new baby – I also have some incredible work opportunities to negotiate. And I would be an idiot if I didn’t take advantage of them. And with Spike, I put everything like that aside. I turned my back on my work for a while. And I have never regretted that. I can honestly say that I did exactly what I wanted to do when I surrendered to being pretty much solely a mom for a while. I can honestly say that I came back as a better writer – that I had a stronger sense of self, and a whole lot of material - once I had time on my hands again. But this time I’m going to have to do things differently - I’m going to have to find a better balance. And that’s my struggle. It’s not with the moms at the bakery. It’s not with story time. I’m not thinking about this as Us vs. Them at all. It’s just Me vs. Me. Simple as that. And that’s truly hard enough.
7 comments:
Hi Maia!
Ooh,ooh,ooh. I understood what you were saying in your first post. It was not the Mommy part, or having other women who share your experience, or making a few new friends that left me "disgruntled" in early mommyhood. Those were the wonders of the whole process. It was the feeling that I was lost in the Mommy and Me/playgroup thing. Utterly lost. I agree with your friend, when she said it was the comparisons, etc. The feeling that I was back in High School, being judged on how I looked, dressed, fed my kid, which stroller I had, which position my husband held. Meeting Moms who were not cut from the same cloth as me, and being expected to embrace them because we shared this new mommy thing. So, I did what you did. I grabbed one from here, and two from there, as I'm sure we all do, and fled the playgroups with the couple of women I connected with. Perhaps that's what I was trying to say. Perhaps that is a common experience for all new Moms. Perhaps we beat the shit out of ourselves for no good reason because we are Moms...Perhaps we all needed a good venting session.
Thank You!
Hmm. I got what you were saying yesterday and didn't take it as whining. I think it is good that you are sorting out what you need and don't need this time around. But ya know what? You were lucky to have that experience the first time around and to be able to make the choice to do it differently this time around. I guess that was the point of my poorly executed comment--not to pick on other mothers. I would be lying if I didn't say I do not click with the mommies in my world or to admit that this community mom thing has been a source of anxiety and sadness for me. You were/are lucky to have found a community of like minded mommies. We aren't all that lucky and a rosy spectacled perspective of the wonderfulness of community motherhood would have to be donned for me to see the happy things you described. I believe in the scenario you described in theory but haven't been lucky enough to find it in my community. I had to come to the internet to find a supportive mom group both times (It all feels like one time in my case to be honest because my girls are so close in age). Being an older mom and being an adoptive mom, being the mom in a transracial family and being a WAHM (and an artist mother at that) sets me apart from the majority of the SAHM community here--and it is hard sometimes. No, storytime isn't The Man. Storytime can fun because my kids love it so much. But sometimes being the oldest mama at storytime or play group and the only artist or adoptive mama isn't easy or fun so-- I can't jump on the bandwagon of mama community and say a cheer even though I want to in principal because our goals and needs are different and I am almost always on the sidelines ready to bolt. Being a new mama when you are young is different (I think. I can't say from experience). Young mothers, from my perspective, have the luxury of feeling like there is all the time in the world to do the other things that have been put off to be a mommy. I see it from where I sit, rightly or wrongly, as a sort of romantic naivete. At my age some of the choices a younger mother might make would suck the life right out of me--and my work. It isn't a judgment of other moms that I am putting out there. God, I am sorry if I sounded like that. I just need moms around me that appreciate smelly diapers and developmental and attachment and racial and cultural issues--AND that the clock is ticking for me and my work. The sensibilities of an older working mother and sometimes an adoptive mother are different and I am frustrated that most moms that I encounter in my community don't share them or anything close to them (except out here in the blogoshpere). It would be wonderful if they did but most moms I meet aren't 20+ years older than their toddling kids with a 20+ year old career hanging in the balance. Most moms in my community don't need to talk about lifebooks and the damned ass backwards family tree assignment at school. Most young mommies at the park don't need to fret over the anxiety they feel about staying in touch with a foster family in China or looking for first family connections or maintaining connections with travel and crib mates etc. I spend a lot of time explaining gently how that well intended comment was racist or based on some annoying stereotype.
Maybe if I was 30 things would be different but I am 45 and I don't have time for what seems frivolous and a waste of my precious time when I brave the occasional play group. God, I hope that made sense and that I don't sound like a petty or selfish person for thinking these things. Maybe I am a grumpy mama curmudgeon but I don't think so. I think my position and needs are just different and I can't feel guilty for that. I just have to find a different way to make things work for my family--but maybe that is a post for my blog. I will quit hogging yours.
I will just close by saying that you should count your mama blessings that you have had such great friends and great resources--and that you have a choice to partake of the mommy goodness or not. A choice!
I meant to write:
...most moms I meet aren't 40+ years older than their toddling kids...
Oh that I was only 20+ years older. The stamina I would have!
It is all about balance - well said.
It is so hard to remain true to yourself and not get lost in every moment of your child's existence.
Maia, it was the tattoo on your back that I saw across a crowded room. I knew that the hostess of that particular playgroup was certifiable and I was sooo happy to meet a sane mama who wasn't terrifed of TV. Oh, and you kid had a really cool name so I figured you were probably a fun person. ;)
I hear you, though. First time motherhood was WAY different for me than with my second. I had no idea I wouldn't want to do the story hour scene again. I was sort of confused when I just couldn't stomache it. In fact, I struggle with it because I don't want Gowan to miss out on the stuff Kaya loved. But I can hang with the first time moms who want to endlessly discuss the mertis of co-sleeping or nursing or (and even though I was a cloth-diapering mama) God FORBID, various brands of cloth diaper covers. Not that I begruge them this because it IS fascinating when it's a whole new world. And it feels almost essential to create that mama-identity.
I was set on meeting other women who parented the way I did and wanted to defend their position to the world, also. I no longer hold up all the parenting choices I've made as my identity and I think that's the difference- at least for me. I just can't bring myself to care about someone's 10 month old not sleeping thru the night. Well, not that I don't CARE, because, sure I do, actually. It's good for the mama to get enough sleep. But I don't want to discuss it.
I do find that I was present with my first in a way I'm just not able to achieve with my second. And of course there is guilt over that. But I think in some ways he benefits from not always being center stage. And of course he's got a sibling to hang out with.
Still, Maia, I DO think you should come hang out on the HVP site. It's entertaining and eventually Bell will wonder where the hell all the other 3 year olds are. Two, you can get away with, but a 3yr old want friends. I'm practially running a personal ad these days:
Seeking charming, non-violent, train and bus loving, open-minded Little Bear fans with mornings free to eat baby carrots,grapes and spelt pretzels at my place. We have lots of Thomas stuff and I'm loose with sugary treats. Includes a mediocre birthday party once a year.
With Kaya, the friends were pretty much built due to my library lizard days.
So, like Tracie, I wonder if this phenomenom is a function of being an older mom...'cause I have NO. DESIRE.--none at all--to have The Life of the surrendered mommy. I just don't. And you know that I've been in an abyss, and have mostly survived it. And, yes, I've been to the little tots gymnastics thing...and met a mom named Heather (and, yes, I hold that against her), who wanted our kiddos to have a playdate...but really? There isn't much connection there. I feel...different...than most other moms, partly because of my age, and the adoption, and the transracial stuff, the SN stuff, and the WAHM stuff (didn't know that acronym existed, but lovin' it!). I have just decided that I am never going to be that mom that succumbs entirely to Momness. I'm not sure it's going to make me fiercer--either as a person or as a writer--although I admire and envy the fact that it did you. Sometimes I chalk this up to my generally cynical nature. Sometimes I just decide that, at nearly 42, I just don't have the luxury of time (as Tracie pointed out) to devote to Nothing But Momness for a period of years. Too much would be lost from other areas of what feels like a dwindling life (yeah, yeah, overly dramatic and maudlin, but I'm going with it). I love my daughter, but I almost lost sight of myself (talk about transformative!) when faced with the idea of All Kid, All the Time.
Oh, and, by the way, I'm back. Got internet back today, at 4 PM Pacifico. Will write email manana.
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