Thanks to everyone for all the good advice and nice words. Hearing all the differing opinions from all the different parents here helps me sort out the way I can best approach situations like this – and also makes me realize that there is never really one single answer that fixes everything.
I have worked with kids for a good long portion of my life. I am totally comfortable talking with kids, correcting them when necessary, and actually, in other circumstances, I might even have sympathy for this kid – because it was obvious that he learned this behavior somewhere – someone had taught him that it was okay (even necessary) to point out (and laugh at) things that he deemed “different” – and that’s one of the reasons I didn’t approach his mother. I figured that I was probably opening up a whole different fight if I brought this to her attention – one I didn’t really want to start at that moment. On the other hand, I don’t think I have ever felt quite the rush of anger toward a child that I felt toward this particular one. I can’t think of a time when Spike was ever attacked in an equivalent way – and I genuinely felt that if I didn’t leave the room, I would say something incredibly scary and cruel and angry. And I didn’t want to do that. Not even to this kid.
I will also say that there was something about this particular mother that just seemed exhausted and downtrodden. She was talking with a friend – probably trying to steal a few minutes away from her kid (and thus, inflicting him on everyone else in the place) and the set of her shoulders made me fantasize that she was going through a particularly bad divorce, or had just found out some terrible news, and was trying to process it over a cup of coffee while her kid threw blocks. And there is always the possibility that she simply didn’t hear her child. I myself have terrible hearing. Or was so caught up in her conversation that she was innocently tuning her kid out.
And the other child? The little girl. She approached me very sheepishly after I first corrected the little boy and said, “It’s okay. It’s okay. I think your baby is really cute. She’s really, really cute.” So – you know – there was teeny bit of light in that situation that I didn’t write about.
The thing that I liked reading in all the comments was the reminder that it’s important to teach our children that it’s okay to say, “No.” Especially our girls, I think. That society puts such a premium on compliance- expects these girls to bend to everyone’s will - to meekly take what anyone dishes out. And that the best thing we can teach them is a fierce, loud, true and strong NO.
And while I feel very strongly about protecting Bell, I already recognize that she has that strength – that No in her. She is no fragile flower. She is a stubborn, funny, strong little girl who has no problem letting me know what she wants and doesn’t want. She shouts loudly when she calls. She cries with anger when something doesn’t go her way. She loudly and clearly pushes off any unwanted attention she might be getting (poor Spike can attest to this). She grabs my hand and pulls me around to show me what she wants – and if I balk at moving – she just keeps tugging and chattering at me until I capitulate. She is resilient and willful and bossy. And I am so very grateful that she has all these traits. I think they will serve her well. I don’t think she needs to be shut away and hidden, protected like a delicate little butterfly. She doesn’t really need sheltering as much as she needs the tools to deal with these kind of situations. She needs to see me say the right things – see me stand up for her – hear me talk about what just happened with her later. That’s the best thing I can do for her. And I think it’s okay to let her see me walk away occasionally, too. To see that some battles aren’t worth her breath. I think that if I can give her all that – her natural strength will take it from there. There is something tenacious and bold in this child - if she is given the tools, she will stand strong.
7 comments:
Yes, exactly. Although you asked for advice, it sounds like you handled the situation perfectly.
And it's true, we just have to cultivate our girls' amazing resilience and tenacity so they can fight their own battles, or walk away.
Amen.
Go tenacious Bell!
And you know what? I live in fear of being that mom in the bakery--not because she is a bad person but because her problems, her weaknesses trickled down to hurt her kid and yours--and you. As a mother I hate the idea that my shortcomings might affect people adversely. Oy.
With her mom and her aunties, Bell has plenty of strong models to follow. Just don't tell her she's just like so and so, particularly between the ages of 12 and 60. After that, we become a little more accepting of that possibility, but only too a minimal degree.
Maia,
We have currently dropped off the face of the earth, partly due to jet lag, partly due to my inexperience being a mother of two, mostly because Brie has been at doctors every day this week...Call me...I'll explain.
Bell is gorgeous, you are her hero - People will eventually follow her lead! I had to constantly lift Brie's chin so she looked straight ahead and not down while in China. I haven't had to do it for several days now...We are all works in progress - us as Mamas and our girls...so glad we have each other!
Love you, and send my kisses Bell's beautiful little face!
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yes! i think your assessment that Bell is super strong & resilient is spot on.
it's always hard to deal with stuff like this. my son's ethnic name sounds like a girls' name to some people, which always gets my goat.
but whatever, we face each challenge as best we can: fight or flight, negotiation or education. whatever we have the time or energy or level-headness for. sometimes losing our cool isn't a great idea, so leaving makes the most sense.
what's most important is that you're doing your best. that's all we can ever do as mommies, right?
keep up the good fight! :)
hugs,
Erin
You know Maia, this incident at The Bakery has been on my mind. It's hard to swallow the idea that at 5 and 2, kids are having racially motivated interactions like this. Not suprised, so much as just so, so sickened by it.
Today, I think I met the wicked child. We'll have to compare notes on this kid because I am not kidding...this was a kid I could TOTALLY see doing what you described and he was mean to my baby, too! Not at the bakery, though, at Kaya's school. He's visiting this week. Mean child! I instantly thought of you and Fang Fang and the nose episode. This was much less cruel but it was still awful. He made fun of Gowan's speech. Even when I clearly told him to cut it out he kept on going. And all I could think was "My GOD, he's HERE, at school! The wicked child!" I think you need to write a children's book. This is a universal character. Or else a snotty boy has moved to our peaceful community and is making the rounds.
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