Hire This Woman. Please.

 

So, things have been happening in my work world.  Y and I have been booked to meet with a whole bunch of different producers and studio folk - just casual, get to know you sort of meetings - people who read and liked our first script, and want to get to know us a little better, maybe think about us for future projects.  It's exciting, and we know we're incredibly lucky to have this opportunity.  But unfortunately, my surgery (and the subsequent vertigo) has made flying out to California to do these meetings in person quite impossible.  I'm disappointed, but not worried.  Y is more than capable of representing both of us quite nicely - she's a pro - and I'll be well enough soon to travel if anyone wants a follow up meeting to discuss other projects.  But we thought it would be nice, since Y is meeting most of these people for the first time, if she brought a photo of me along to the meetings - just so people could have an image to fix on when she told them about me.  We thought it would be a cute little schtick. 

But of course, it's Hollywood.  And so it's never so simple as just sending along that fairly flattering snapshot that you took on your last vacation, right?  I mean, this picture had to do so much.  It had to be natural, unforced, but it should tell a story, too.  Since I couldn't be there to represent myself, and, as that old saw goes, you never get a second chance to make a first impression, we had to think long and hard about what aspect of me we would want to highlight - should I be tough?  Smart?  Soft and pretty?  I needed to be markedly different than Y - since contrast is good in partnerships.  But I had to look good, of course, no matter what.  So I didn't want to be the beast to Y's beauty or anything (and she is a beauty).  We are talking Hollywood, after all.   But we wanted it to be kind of funny and memorable as well.  Kind of dorky, but cute.  I needed to look like, not only someone who you might want to work with, but like someone you might want to just hang out with, too.

Have I mentioned before that Gina is a wiz when it comes to hair and makeup?  That if she hadn't answered a higher calling and gone into social work she could easily be making a bundle being a stylist?  (And lest you think I exaggerate, I will tell you that my very dear friend who is a very successful model and knows about these things, always swore that G could hang up her shingle as a makeup artist in Manhattan based on her famous "smokey eye" alone). So, you know, I'm no fool. We set aside a day, and I exploited my little sister's talents (and my husband's ability behind a camera) as much as she would let me.  And I will not tell you just how long it took to get the hair and make up right.  But I will tell you that we had seven outfits to choose from, picked out right down to the accessories, several different hairstyles, many different makeup looks (including, but not limited to the famous "smokey eye") and that it was light out when we began the process, but way past dark when we finally shot that last frame (is it still a frame if we're using a digital camera?).

So, without further ado - the outtakes, and the finalists, of our day trying to catch that special essence that says, "This is the woman you want to hire for your next rewrite!  This is a woman you want to take out to lunch and hand your favorite book to adapt!  This is the woman who you want to pay to write for you!  Look into the eyes of your next great rom/com people!  Her name is Maia and she can wield that laptop like nobody's business!"   

 

The Sculptor, Little Sister G.  (You will see that bottle of prosecco work hard today).

Her chunk of clay- just waiting to be molded

.

Indoor light test.

Getting down to business.  FF thought this was all totally fascinating.

And wanted a little smokey eye of her own.  (If I had FF's lashes, I wouldn't have needed any makeup whatsoever).

First look?  A sort of boho chic thing.  Oh yeah, I just happen to be sitting around the house wearing this tiara thingy on my head-  reading this book.  You'd buy that, right?  ANd just so you know, you'll see lots of versions of this shrug "sorry I couldn't be there, darn my darn ear!  Isn't vertigo sexy!" look. 

Took the tiara off.

Okay, now, remember when I told you that one my friends is a model?  Well, don't think I haven't learned a thing or two from just hanging around with her all these years.  And from watching every single season of America's Next Top Model!  I definitely know how to smile with my eyes, bitches!   So prepare yourself to be impressed - here come some some MAD modeling skillz.  Do not hate just because I'm beautiful. 

The look down look.

The way I used to smile for pictures in high school look ("STOP DOING THAT!" insisted both Ryan and G)

The 'What?  I always sit around like this!" thing.  (Gina is in the background going, "I know it FEELS weird and unnatural!  But it looks great!  I swear!"  Um...)

I call this one, "When I close my eyes, I think of fresh and quirky plot points!"

 

But for some crazy reason, FF just wasn't respecting my art!

 

So we moved outside to do a "tough , edgy girl with Rottweiler" series.

Don't I look tough and edgy?  Doesn't Sammy look like she might attack at any moment?  Or maybe that she needs a hug?  (This picture actually was one of the finalists - but my manager and agent were asked if they would rather represent "Tough Girl" or "Smart Girl" and "Smart Girl" won by a country mile).

Then we moved on to what I think of as the red, red, red lipstick series.

What?   You don't think this is hot?

 

Ryan sent me scurrying back inside when he told me that he was starting to get kind of a "Blow Up Doll Vibe" from this look.

I call this one "Crazy Eyes!"

So then we moved on to this look - which was meant to be kind of Italian (fair game, since I am kind of Italian)...

....kind of gypsy-ish - standing around in front of the grape vines.  (Yeah, I'm pointing at my ear again.  Vertigo!  It's sexy, I tell you!")

Earthy.  Approachable.  Curvy (thank you wonder bra).  But really?  I think of these photos as the, "Oh my God, I never noticed that I look JUST like my little sister!" series.

 

Okay, back inside - totally changed up the look.  Kind of a sexy librarian, artist at work, I totally sit at my computer in leopard skin all day long thing!

My stylist came in to re-pin the dress, since we wanted to have a little cleave, but not an out and out nip slip or anything.  I mean, I'm desperate for work - but not quite that desperate yet.

As soon as Spike saw this outfit he was like, "Mom!  You look like just like Liz Lemon!"  Which, a) means that I am admitting that I let my eight year old son watch 30 Rock.  and b) I resent!  I have been blind as a bat since I was in the fourth grade, and I earned those glasses fair and square, people!  Maybe Tina Fey looks like ME!  Ever thought of that, huh, Spike?  Huh? 

Ah, what do you know anyway, kid?  You're eight!  Keep your opinions to yourself!

There's that Prosecco again.  And the cat.  And some pop rocks.  Spike contributed those.  This is how I work every day, people.  I swear!

Yeah.  Every day.

Last outfit.  A little bit edgy, a little bit sexy.  A little bit smart.  Take note that FF has squished Gina's lipstick all over her hand.

We'd been going for some time now.  It was getting late.  Everyone was getting tired.  But we knew we were so close!

Maybe this one?  No?  You don't think so?  Why not?  Aren't I hot?

 

These two only seemed to prove that FF actually does all my writing while I sit around reading  D Listed.  She looks super smart and she didn't need any make up at all.  Except on her hand, of course.

But then!  The magic happened, people!  The light shown down!  We found our groove!  And all those moments of shrugging and pointing at my ear and insisting that vertigo was hot and ear surgery was trendy came together in one miraculous moment!  Yes!  We had the photo!  Smart and sexy!  Cute and dorky!  Looks kind of like Liz Lemon but you can hire her for a lot cheaper!  This is what every producer in Hollywood is going to bed thinking about these days!  This is the picture that will make me and Y rich and famous and able to pay off our student loans!  This is the money shot folks!  You might want to squint when you look at it - because it is just that dazzling!   Don't let it haunt your dreams too much!....

No.  I'm not kidding.  Stop laughing.  Seriously.  This is the one! 

 

And hey, it's better than this, at least, right?