Monday, January 28, 2008

The Room

2008-01-27 014 Here I am. Lah di dah. Mirror above changing table. Bird mobile. Is that a smock I see? And note my cool new Mars Volta glasses!

2008-01-27 068Changing table, cool shadow, mirror, dog butt.2008-01-27 084Close up on birds, in mirror you can see dresser which brings us to...

2008-01-27 072 Star shaped cut green glass pulls. Will she poke her eye out on these things? Let's hope not!

2008-01-27 073Sweet little handmade dolls on bureau. 2008-01-27 066 Swing around and you can see the closet(absolutely no one is allowed to give me shit about all the clothes, by the way), part of the crib, the light thingy (more on that in a second), and if you squint, look! There's Tracie's beautiful fox painting! Also, hand me down Babar lamp.

2008-01-27 030 Another look at the closet. Seriously, no comments from the peanut gallery about the insane amount of dresses.

2008-01-27 026 Okay, so that light thing on the wall. So -what you need is some muslin, a bunch of nails, and a string of lights. Oh yeah, and Ryan, who is willing to hem the muslin, make everything straight, pound in the nails and then hang everything up. But the results are so cool (and yes, I totally stole it from Martha). Don't worry, it won't burn your house down. Spike has had his for eight years and we're still standing.

2008-01-27 028 2008-01-27 060Let there be light! Okay, the crib. Here's the thing - I hand painted that sucker when I was deeply, heavily eight months pregnant with Spike. It's the last vestiges of his Frida Kahlo inspired room. And I was going to paint it over - a nice cream - so it wouldn't be so crazy and stim - but when we dragged it out, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It looks okay, right? I mean, maybe not the most restful place ever, but it'll be dark when she sleeps! Anyway - that's the crib.

2008-01-27 0242008-01-27 018 Details - butterfly mobile and Frida and Virginia to watch over Bell while she sleeps.

2008-01-27 067 2008-01-27 085Shelves that Ryan made, giraffe picture that my mother sent Spike way back when,other side of shelves with swallows.

2008-01-27 035 Swallow on table, too.2008-01-27 051

2008-01-27 0772008-01-27 078 Very cool antique child sized bunny hat rack my mother bought Bell. I love this! 2008-01-27 079

2008-01-27 080 More swallows on side of bureau (there aren't that many - but it seems like a lot from these photos)

2008-01-27 081Table from above.2008-01-27 106Weird bouncing bunny toy (We've been told that Fang Fang's favorite toys are "hanging toys").

2008-01-27 082 Because her name has to be somewhere in the room, right?

Sunday, January 27, 2008

An Update, and a Pilfered Meme For Good Measure

antique door

So it looks like we might be leaving for Beijing on Valentine's Day (aaaaw!) and we're shooting for a 02/26 consulate appointment in Guangzhou. Nothing's set in stone just yet, but that's what they're trying for. I cannot believe how fast TA happened (and for all my bitching about how long I've been waiting, this whole process actually went pretty dang fast. For us, anyway.) and I totally cannot believe we might be traveling in three weeks.

I don't think I'll be going to L.A. before China. I can't see squeezing it in, and even if I did, I would hate to be meeting with potential managers only to have to say, "Oh, by the way, in a week I'll be in China, and then pretty much unavailable for...er... a while..." Plus I think the look of absolute panic and the way I would be stumbling around muttering about babies might give me away. I need to work out the details, but I guess I'll be taking the kids to L.A. sometime after we arrive home. Not too soon, but eventually. That will be a first and true test of my balancing act.


Ironically, I started working on a re-write of a script yesterday. Y and I were throwing around some ideas and then I took a shower, and for some reason my words often come to me while I'm washing my hair. So I want to take this as a sign that I will be able to do both these challenging things (mothering and writing) with some amount of grace or inspiration.


I am skipping from task to task. I ordered bottles and formula (!). We got our vaccination contract notarized. I bought a lot of soap to pack as gifts (I will add to this - but that’s what I’ve got right now. Soap. Oh, and some candles). We have a homestudy update later this afternoon (um, let's hope we pass. Heh). Ryan is shopping for a nice warm coat. Spike had a sleepover at his friend's house and came home with a cough (listen kid, if you’re going to get sick – do it now). We shampooed the rug (because of the homestudy update, but mostly because I’ve been told that Fang Fang’s favorite thing to do is to “crawl around on the rug” and I couldn’t live with the idea that she would be crawling upon multiple layers of lord knows what kind of animal effluvia and mud). There is so much to do! Mainly I need to sit down and make lists – list making soothes me.


I cannot believe we are literally less than a month away from meeting our daughter for the first time. That is amazing. Last night I had a dream that we were foster parents and had eight different kids in the house, all wonderful, all whom I loved dearly – but we were still waiting to bring Fang Fang home – and so I woke up really sad.

But just to bulk up this post, I will do this meme that I ripped off from American Family. I don’t think she’ll mind, mostly because I’m fairly certain she doesn’t know I exist. Heh.

House Meme

When you walk in your front door, which room do you enter?
It depends what, exactly you mean, by front door. If you mean the proper front door – which practically no one ever uses – then, you are standing in a hall, and looking up a narrow red painted staircase. If you are talking about the door that everyone actually uses, which technically, I suppose is the back door, you are in our family/tv/toy room.

Do you have a dishwasher?
Nooooo. And it’s one of the banes of my existence because I hate doing dishes. Hate it. We have been talking about putting one in for years, but because it would take some rebuilding of our kitchen cabinets, we always put it off. When The Houseguest used to live here, he did all the dishes, though. At his own really slow, sweet pace.

Is your living room carpeted or does it have hardwood floors?
Wideboard antique pine. One of my favorite things about this house, and something that we had to rip out four levels of dog pee soaked carpet, fake parquet stick on squares, and antique (like the kind that came in one big sheet) linoleum to get to.

Do you keep your kitchen knives on the counter or in a drawer?
Corner of the counter in a wood block.

House, apartment, duplex or trailer?
Farm house.

How many bedrooms is it?
Four. It was probably five at one point but there was a real do it yourself-er who lived here for a while before us and I think he was the one that combined two to make a really big master bedroom.

Gas stove or electric?
Gas, and that’s the only way to go, baby.

Do you have a yard?

Do we have a yard? Ha! Boy, do we ever! An acre on this side of the road, plus we own another acre and directly across the street. I love our yard.

What size TV is in the living room?
It’s not in the living room. It’s in the family room. But it’s big. And flat. We used to have a big and bulky TV, and for years Ryan talked about getting a flat screen (he’s a total electronics geek, but in his defense, he does earn his living via television and I suppose he should have a good TV to watch his creations on) and I kept saying we didn’t need one, and then I went away to visit a friend for a week, and when I walked in the door, Spike yelped, “Mom! You’re not going to believe what Ryan” (he calls his dad Ryan. He calls me Mom – but Ryan is almost always Ryan. Which amuses me and Ryan, but appalls a lot of people.) “did while you were gone!” and there it was – new flat screen. And I have to say, I do love watching TV on it. It’s nice. And Ryan sold our old TV. But it was the one time my husband ever made a major purchase without checking with me first.

Are your plates in the same cupboard as your cups?
Uh. Sort of? The plates are in the same cupboard as the sort of trashy un-matching mugs (the ones I actually tend to drink tea out of – you know – the ones with Spike’s picture on them, and a set of WNYC mugs that they sent me after a fund drive, and the one from The Houseguest that says “Free Palestine”… ) but the plates are in an open shelving part of the cupboard and the mugs are behind a door. Then there are a set of multi-colored Fiestaware mugs hanging on the bottom of the cupboards on hooks, which are really pretty and decorative, but not very functional. I almost never use them because they’re just a little too small for a really satisfying cup of tea. Also, there are Fiestaware teacups next to those – which I pretty much never use, either. And then there the drinking (like water and juice) glasses in a different, but still adjacent, cupboard, and under that, in open shelving are the wine glasses, (with stems and without, and a couple of margarita glasses, and one blue champagne flute) and then in the dining room, in a two totally separate breakfronts are a large collection of champagne glasses (which I actually use more than you’d think since Prosecco is often my wine of choice) and a set of fine china coffee cups which I inherited from my sister Mary, who inherited them from her paternal grandmother (Mary and I have different biological fathers) because I inherited our maternal grandmother’s china, and it was more Mary’s style than the rose painted stuff she got from her paternal grandma, and so we swapped china. But while our maternal grandma would have been fine with the swap, I feel a little guilty because I know for a fact that Mary’s Boston Brahmin of a paternal grandma would absolutely roll over in her grave if she knew the trashy Italian/Black Irish progeny of her daughter-in-law’s second marriage ended up with her good china. Anyway, I love those coffee cups (they are like bigger versions of tea cups) but only use them occasionally, and, to make it more scandalous, they are almost always used for tea. Ah! The humanity! I’m such a philistine! Oh, and back in the kitchen, on top of an old Hoosier cabinet, there is also a big collection of (really dusty) sherry glasses and a set of colored glass cordial glasses. Whew! There are a lot of ways to drink beverages in this house!

Is there a coffee maker sitting on your kitchen counter?
Yes. Purely for Ryan’s use since I don’t drink coffee (one of the great disappointments of our marriage for Ryan is that I don’t drink coffee).

What room is your computer in?
Er. Which computer? Mine? It sits on the counter in the kitchen. Ryan’s goliath of a work computer is out in the Pumpkin house. Spike’s computer (which is just a jacked up, missing keys beater of a laptop that he inherited from me when it crashed and couldn’t be trusted to keep my work safe anymore) is currently balanced on the arm of the big chair in our living room.

Are there pictures hanging in your living room?
Well yeah. There is a painting by William Streetor – which we call “The Dark Lady” and is this long rectangular oil painting of an Edwardian era woman with dark hair and eyes – it’s got kind of a Rembrandt vibe (because it’s done with a black background and her dress and hair are black, too and barely discernable from the background, and her face and the white lace of her collar sort of glow out of the picture like some of Rembrandt’s stuff did) and some Sargent and Whistler like qualities, too. It’s a bit damaged, and needs to be restored. But it’s one of my favorite things in the house. There is also an ornately framed but teeny tiny photograph of Georgia O’Keefe. Everything else hanging is mirrors.

Are there any themes found in your home?

Uh… mirrors? Pink bathrooms? Primitive antiques? Dust?

What kind of laundry detergent do you use?
Mrs. Meyer’s lavender scented detergent. I love it not only because it’s all natural and shit, but also because it smells like Fruity Pebbles.

Do you use dryer sheets?
Nope.

Curtains in your home?
Only in the bathrooms and in our bedroom. I like the light too much to risk blocking even the teeniest tiny bit. But Spike and Fang Fang need some in their bedrooms soon, I think.

What color is your fridge?
Chalkboard green. We painted it with chalkboard paint. Which was the same thing my mother did to all our refrigerators while I was growing up. It’s very cool.

Is your house clean?
At the moment? Very. Only because our social worker will be here in a few hours.

What room is the most neglected?
Oh. The basement, I guess. But it’s really not a room – more like a dungeon like hole in the ground. It’s carved straight out of the fieldstone bedrock under our house. You can’t even stand up straight in it.

Are the dishes in your sink/dishwasher clean or dirty?
Clean, amazingly. See the social worker comment above.

How long have you lived in your home?
Six and a half years.

Where did you live before?
A very big, pretty, three bedroom apartment in a marginal neighborhood on Staten Island.

Do you have one of those fluffy toilet lid covers on your toilet?
Oh, if only! No.

Do you have a scale anywhere in your house?
No. And I don’t want one.

How many mirrors are in your house?
This is… well, okay, twenty one, at least – and I probably missed some. Because I love to look at myself! No, no, - I collect old, silvered mirrors. Love them. They are hanging all over the house.

Look up. What do you see?
The world’s ugliest plastic ceiling fan/overhead light. For all the tender loving care I put into our home, we still have hideous light fixtures all through the house, left over from the Mr. Fixit who lived here before us, and who felt the need to pull all the original fixtures out, and replace them with horrible 1980’s era brass replacements. He also removed all the original interior doors and replaced them with plastic, hollow core monstrosities. I would curse his name if I knew it. I have a collection of antique doors, and antique fixtures, and someday we’ll get around to doing some replacing ourselves.

Do you have a garage?
Yes. Detached. Though it was probably not a garage in its first incarnation. And we don’t put our car into it. It’s full of all those antique doors I was just talking about.

Feel free to steal this Meme if you like - since I got it off the back of a truck myself.

Friday, January 25, 2008

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS... TRAVEL APPROVALS!!!!!!

Just woke up to the news.... WE GOT T.A.!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Good Aunties

2004-03-24 from frank 007 gina maia

So, the sisters have come and gone. They were good Aunties – handing out Castro hats and mini-volcanoes to Spike and helping me do some painting in Fang Fang’s room (pictures of the room soon to follow, I swear. It’s still not totally, totally, totally done yet). What I love about having sisters is that, at some point, they grow up, – and suddenly – they’re totally fun to be around. I mean, they were fun when they were kids, too – but one day you wake up and realize that you’re all peers – and then you’re all sitting around the table drinking wine and giggling and making gross off color jokes about booty juice. And that’s a good day. Plus you don’t even have to worry about being a good hostess for them (I did clean up a little before they showed - but the house really needed it anyway) and you can feed them Madelines for lunch and they won’t complain.

We saw The Namesake on Friday, which, unfortunately, wasn’t as good as I thought it was going to be. (Though Ren and I agreed that the actor who played the dad was pretty attractive). Spike had three birthday parties to attend (I love the kids in Spike’s class. I generally love their parents, too – but I really don’t love children’s birthday parties). The good news is that I was able to just drop him off for two of them and Ryan took on the third (a bowling party – which, I just don’t have words for how I really, really don’t care for bowling parties). On Monday we bought a changing table and some luggage (holy cow. That means we’ll be traveling soon, right?) which, because of really bad planning, meant that we had to drive in and out of town six times and swap our car for our truck and back again twice. Don’t even ask. So, it was a rather busy, but fun, weekend.

In Fang Fang news – we received her Finding Ad in the mail on Saturday. It was emotional. It’s the earliest picture I have seen of her (and probably will ever see) and it was pre-lip repair, and she was so beautiful – her eyes are really just incredibly stunning – and she looked so very somber in this photograph. There were some small details about what she was wearing and where and when she was found – and they created a little more of a picture in my mind (although who knows how accurate) about that day. After we finished putting her room together (we put up the crib this weekend, people. We’re getting serious) I laid out all the photos I have of her montage style on the floor of her bedroom and just sat and looked at them for the longest time. The longing that is involved in this wait is really just indescribable. I know that everyone who adopts goes through it on some level – that I’m not the first person to feel these feelings – or certainly the last -but that doesn’t make them any less real or difficult. I feel overwhelmed by it sometimes - like I’m grieving – but it’s always grief tinged with hope and excitement – and I know that those feelings – hope and excitement- will be the relevant ones soon enough. Adoption leads you to some strange new places, that’s for sure. And I know I’m only at the beginning of it all.

It’s quiet and sunny today. Slow and cold. Ryan is working out in the pumpkin house and Spike is still at school. I have a list of things to tend to – packing and ordering for the trip, doing some work on the script, making phone calls, catching up on emails… So I suppose I better stir myself and get busy. One cannot wallow in a paralysis of longing forever.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Just to Shake Things Up...

Pensive Spike Spike and Spoon

Spike in Store

…here are some pictures of Spike around the same age (give or take a couple months) as Fang Fang is now. Wasn’t he delectable? Those cheeks! That hair! He doesn’t really have the same kind of curls anymore – he grew out of the ringlets – and when I look at pictures like these I miss them so much! He was born the child he is today. Sweet and easy, a little sensitive, totally loving, so smart, affectionate and funny, very comfortable in his own skin. And I think that’s how it works – you’re born with your soul and personality intact. I can’t wait to see what Fang Fang’s little personality is really like.

I realize I’m flooding my blog with ALL! FANG! FANG! ALL! THE! TIME! But you have to remember that I had to keep all her photos and information private until we had our Letter of Confirmation – so I can’t help wanting to share now. And let’s face it, I am terribly distracted. It’s awfully hard for me not to think of her night and day. I have been working on our new script and I am writing in this strange, out of sync, neither here nor there way – and thank Maude for Y., who doesn’t mind putting pieces together when necessary. She enjoys a good jigsaw puzzle, I think. Which is lucky, because I seem to be making a thousand piece puzzle at the rate I’m writing lately.

I really wanted to write something a bit thoughtful tonight. Maybe about the similarities between this last bit of waiting and the last few weeks of being pregnant, maybe about being a Preferential Adopter (how’s that for a totally wicked, fucked up term?) or about how I am trying to decide whether or not to wade into more controversial waters and publicly express some ideas and opinions I have about this whole adoption thing we are groping our way through – or, conversely, why I don’t tend to blog about these bigger issues. Doing a transracial, international adoption of a child with special needs leaves you with a lot to ponder and discuss, for sure. And I am so, so very grateful to the people out there who are willing to ponder and sort these issues out loud. These people helped me find my way towards my daughter. I know the value of a well written, thoughtful, honest blog. But, like with the pictures I post (I feel okay posting Spike as a baby, and I feel okay posting Fang Fang photos now, and probably you’ll see all of us once I set up the blog I’m going to use in China, but eventually, I’ll probably make pictures of the kids private again. I’m just a little paranoid) I often think long and hard about just how much I want to share, and just how publicly open I want to be about these issues. And certainly, right now, while my brain is still beating a drum that goes…”Normal Life, Normal Life FANG FANG! Normal Life Normal Life FANG FANG!...” I’m not sure I’m even capable of saying what I want to say in a coherent or legible way. Plus it’s nearly 3 in the morning. I’ve got to kill these late nights. I love working late, because the house is quiet and no one calls, but my days are kind of shot and spend a lot of time in Zombie mode when I work this way.

Anyway, I won’t be writing anything particularly thoughtful tonight. People will just have to be content with the six year old Baby Candy pictures and my rambling incoherent half thoughts. Maybe tomorrow. Oh, no, wait – my sister Ren – the Revolutionary – will be arriving tomorrow night – fresh from Cuba (via a few weeks in Eugene – same difference, right? Heh). And then Gina, and then some good friends and their daughter, too. So I’m probably out of here for a while. But maybe I’ll come back next week with something half way smart to say.  Or, if we're lucky, more exciting news about traveling!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

First Sight

Changjifang1

These are the first two pictures I ever saw of Fang Fang. The one where she is in profile is the very first one. And after that, I saw the one where she is looking into the camera with that sweet, direct. slightly teary eyed, gaze.

It’s a long story, and not one that I want to share publicly, but the day I was given these pictures, I had no idea that I would be seeing my daughter for the first time. In fact, the day before I saw these pictures, we were still thinking it would probably be years before our daughter came home. And then, in the span of a phone call, everything changed – and before I knew it, I was nervously opening an email, clicking on the attachments, and looking into my daughter’s eyes. There was none of the usual adoption ritual around this moment. The story I had read over and over again on all the blogs and books – We heard from our agency that referrals would be coming and that we would be in this batch… We waited breathlessly for the call from our agency… the phone rang and we snatched it up, and on the other end we heard our coordinator say, “I’m looking at a picture of a beautiful baby girl!”… The next day we accosted the FedEx guy as he walked up our driveway…at last we saw her face!...

No, no. That’s not how our story went. Not even close, really. There was no build up. No warning. When I received that email, I didn’t even know exactly who I was going to see, or what she would mean to me. I was almost completely ignorant of the ritualized weight of that moment. But, as soon as I saw her little face, I burst into completely joyous, deliciously overwhelmed tears.

As soon as I saw her, I said yes.

Changjifang2

Monday, January 14, 2008

Spring Bulbs

MovieClipping 1 (2)

Doesn’t she have the sweetest profile? This is one of my favorites. I wonder how much hair she has these days? All these screen grabs are from last March – just before she turned one – and they have shaved her head since then.

We got the process started for our Visas today. Also started trying to decide whether or not we’ll stop in Beijing on the way to Nanjing. I can’t decide and I would love to hear feedback from anyone who has done this before. I know that it would be very cool to do all the tourist stuff- the Great Wall, The Summer Palace etc. And I hear that if you travel through Beijing, you’re forced to get over the time difference very quickly because your guide will generally have you on the go go go. Plus, of course, Spike is all about getting to see some of the stuff he’s read about. But there is another part of me that thinks going straight to Nanjing and maybe taking a day or two there to settle in and get our bearings before Fang Fang joins us, might be the kinder, gentler way to ease into this huge transition. I am generally the kind of traveler who likes to rent a little house, find the local market, meet some folks in the square – take day trips, and haunt the same streets until I feel some familiarity. I am not the kind of traveler who likes to bomb through as many sights as I can cram into a day. But then, I don’t want to be boring, either. I mean, I know that this trip isn’t about being tourists. We’re going to China for this incredibly specific reason. But I wonder how I can find a way to not feel over taxed and exhausted before the baby even joins us, without denying Spike (and Ryan, too- I think he leans toward going to Beijing) their chance to do a little of what they want to do. And just to be clear – Ryan and Spike are not exactly kamikaze tourists, either. We all like a comfortable stroll better than a flat out run. But, all you A-parents – if you had to do it over again – would you do the Acrobats and duck and the wall and all that in Beijing, and then head straight to Nanjing and the baby? Or would you skip Beijing (assuming, in the back of your mind, that you will be returning with your kids someday just as tourists) and take a couple of days in Nanjing and try to get yourselves situated and prepared?

I actually planted bulbs today. In the middle of January. Because I had a paper bag full that I didn’t manage to get into the ground before the ground froze, so I stuck them in the cellar, thinking they were surely goners – and then, all of the sudden, it was sixty degrees for three days straight. In January. And then it rained. And the ground thawed, and I realized I had a second chance to get all those babies in the ground. So when I heard we were due another foot of snow tonight, I suited up (overalls, hoodie, my most awesome knee high, lace up, green rubber boots, and the great red FoxGloves that my MIL sent me for my birthday) and put in daffs and alliums and tulips and blue bells, and grape hyacinth, and sweet little cream and lilac crocuses. I planted a lot of different types of mint in my shade gardens last year, and I really love rooting around in those beds now because every time I pull a tendril aside, it smells like Wrigley’s gum. (No, no, it smells way, WAY better than that. Seriously). And now I’m happy thinking about all those nice little bulbs happily sleeping underground while the snow piles up on top of the beds. And I especially like thinking that by the time they are pushing up through the earth, poking their pointy green heads up, Fang Fang will be here – and I will be able to show her the amazing way a flower grows and blooms. Gardening is, of course, the best way to learn patience that I know. Everything you do in a garden is about the future - how it will look and grow down the line. So I think my urge to get out there and poke around – smell the mint and dig a little – wasn’t too surprising, all things considered.

The ground is covered in snow now. It came like they promised it would. I imagine the ground will be frozen again by morning. And that’s good. That’s how it should be this time of year. Because no matter how much you want it -you can’t force spring.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

An Instant Message Conversation I Had With Ryan Today

M says:

How do you google how people find you through googling?

M says:

Or rather- how do you find how people find your blog?

rr r r says:

uh. go to google home page. click My account at the top

rr r r says:

and then choose analytics.

M says:

and then what?

rr r r says:

um

M says:

got it

M says:

never mind

rr r r says:

ok

M says:

Here's the best one in the search - "Sweet Agony in Silky Nylon"

rr r r says:

wow

M says:

They must have been very disappointed when they realized that that entry was about dolls.

R says:

I BET

R says:

DAMN caps lock

M says:

Or Violin Fingers in Apple Cobbler

rr r r says:

what does that even mean?

M says:

I don't know

M says:

but it's awesome

M says:

Or how about this one? "My Belly button keeps oozing and smells"

rr r r says:

GROSS

M says:

"Pictures of someone asking"

M says:

funny

M says:

"How to decorate clementines"

M says:

"Ice Storm Flowers"

rr r r says:

that one makes sense

M says:

"Mummies in Nylon"

M says:

"Motherly dresses"

M says:

What did I have to say about nylon, I wonder?

M says:

"Crooked House Children's Clothes"

M says:

"Crooked Pink House Painting"

M says:

So - you going into town or not?

rr r r says:

I guess i could

M says:

What ever you like

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Odalisque

MovieClipping 1 (9)

MovieClipping 1 (8)

I thank you all for the congratulations and good wishes!

(Just a side note – for some reason my email – both to and fro - seems to be randomly bouncing. So if anyone feels I’m being strangely silent – that might be the reason. Still working on the problem. Sorry.).

Yesterday the paperwork finally made its way to the house (of course the mail was late. It’s never late. But it was yesterday) and I didn’t know if we were going to have sign for it or not, so after going to bed at 3:30 the night before, and then getting back up at 7:30 to put Spike on the bus, I sat downstairs in our living room, fighting to keep my eyes open, just in case the postman showed up early, or DHL knocked – or whoever. And when it finally arrived (via post office, no signature necessary, as it turned out) it was just two lovely little pieces of paper (seriously – the paper itself was all watermarked with chrysanthemums and gorgeous designs – exactly what something this important and sentimental should look like) with a place to check yes or no as to whether or not we “accepted this child.” And then a request for our signatures and the date. And that’s it. The last piece of paper we’ll have to send to China (hopefully) in this process. We checked YES (of course), signed it and sent it out in the mail this morning. It should be to our agency’s office tomorrow (Sunday delivery!) and off to China by Monday if all goes well.

We are working on Fang Fang’s room tonight. We already did most of the work in the fall – painted it, cleared it out, hung up the acres of little dresses and cardigan sweaters (seriously, when people see how hog wild I went with the clothes, I just get embarrassed. I don’t even have the excuse that I’m a brand new mom. I know how many outfits a kid goes through – and I know that it is likely that Fang Fang won’t even wear some of this stuff – but still – I needed something to do. I needed to nest. And this was my terribly American way of doing it. I don’t apologize. I don’t. I sit and look at all those little dresses and outfits and imagine her wearing them and it soothes my worried mother soul. I just felt so strongly that I wanted this kind of abundance for her- beautiful, soft, perfect things to slip over her and show off her incredible beauty) Ryan is hanging shelves (he likes to build shelves) as I write this and I just pulled down Spike’s old Ikea toddler table and chairs from the attic and painted them a lovely robin’s egg blue. We bought a lampshade today. And a mirror. We bought some storage boxes and baskets for her closet. Tonight we’ll finally apply the swallow stencil I’ve been hoarding since the beginning of all this. I’ve got a few different places I want it. We put together her wooden mobiles – painted birds and butterflies (they are modeled after real birds and butterflies- with the proper markings and colors. So cool). I love this particular kind of mobile (Spike has several) because they actually look good when someone lies down and looks up at them from below – mobiles that are two dimensional from the bottom make no sense for babies! Unfortunately there is something about the way they bob and weave on their wires that the cats love as well – they are constantly hurling their kitty selves through the air trying to take down the whole apparatus. We will hang things on the wall (my favorite part of decorating, always) - finally get to put up Tracie’s beautiful fox painting, a simple mirror with a cream colored frame so Fang Fang can watch herself while she is being changed, a framed poster of a giraffe kissing her baby which my mother sent to Spike before he was born, and this rather complicated thing made of muslin and fairy lights that looks amazing once it’s put together – like fireflies behind fog. We are sorting and organizing, making everything perfect.

I have a few pictures of Fang Fang that I haven’t posted yet. And I made about twenty screen grabs from her video the other night. I’m planning on parceling them out as we wait for our travel permission. Tonight’s screen grab is one that I like to think of as Fang Fang does Odalisque. Her video has this whole story arc to it – Fang Fang first appears in her crib, under blankets, on her back – smiling briefly at the sound of her name, but mostly unhappy about the flashing lights of the camera. Then she is picked up, and her whole demeanor changes – she is smiling and checking everything out, obviously psyched to be held and to be out of her crib. Then she burps and spits up (which, since I’m her mother, I thought was adorable) – but the videographer apparently decided that, what with her barbaric baby manners, she was no longer a suitable subject to be filmed, so our director moves on to film one of Fang Fang’s crib mates – a really cute little boy. They film him for a while, and he gives dazzling smiles and sweet little faces at the camera – but Fang Fang is curious - and maybe wants a little attention back on her – so she props herself up on one elbow in the most adorable way (odalisque!) and she is so dang cute that the woman running the camera suddenly veers off the other baby and comes back to film Fang Fang being precocious (actually, lunging for this woman's camera strap - and hanging on to it for dear life) for another couple minutes. A happy ending! (Well, maybe not for the little boy – but I’m certain they came back and filmed more of him later). It’s all very dramatic. I think I’ll pitch it next time I talk to my agent.

Back to the room. The shelves won’t paint themselves.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Favonian

changjifang2-9

favonian \fuh-VOH-nee-uhn\, adjective:
Pertaining to the west wind; soft; mild; gentle.

Ji is translated as Favonian or Propitious. Or, more prosaically, Lucky.

Fang means Fragrance.

How great is the word Favonian? I had to look it up.

I cannot seem to concentrate. I cannot read a magazine, follow a simple recipe, engage in a sensible conversation… I cannot finish emails (and if anyone out there is waiting on me to write back – I apologize – I will get back to you as soon as my brain stops feeling like Tres Leche Cake). I feel wrung out to dry. Extreme emotions will do that, I guess. I remember breaking up with my boyfriend once – wailing and crying and trying to hash everything out – utterly heartbroken and miserable - and then- all of the sudden – I was just so tired. I couldn’t utter another word. I could hardly keep my eyes open. I fell back on the bed - with him still sitting there all sad and dejected - and pretty much passed out mid-sentence. Kind of like after giving birth, too. All that expended energy and then – boom! – you’re clocked! That’s kind of where I was at last night. All this stuff to talk about – all this excitement – all this emotion – and I could hardly keep my head up. And today I feel like I’ve swallowed a pot of coffee and then sucked on the grounds for good measure. All this jittery, messy energy – none of which I seem to be able to direct at anything useful.

The LOSC didn’t actually arrive today. That’s part of the problem. I have been assured that it will be arriving tomorrow morning – but Ryan and I spent a jumpy day waiting for the Postman/DHL guy/Fedex Lady. Then I had several different conversations with several different people involved in this process and was given a couple of different possibilities as far as when we might expect to be traveling. And though we eventually settled on the best one – probably a month or so – give or take one or two weeks – for a little while there I was wallowing in some very unhappy dates. Nothing Propitious at all.

I am feeling bittersweet about being the first family out of the XingFu gate on all this. I thought I would be traveling with friends – that we would all be getting our children together. And I was really looking forward to that. Plus I have to admit that I feel some guilt because I know that there are people who have been waiting longer, whose children are older, who it seemed would definitely get to go before we would. Of course, I am not complaining. I want and need and can’t wait to get to Fang Fang. And we did sort of figure out the mystery of why our family got their LOSC first (it has to do with the fact that we sent in our Letter of Intent along with our Dossier – so everything was all bundled up in one neat and easy to take care of package. Whereas people who were logged in before they sent their Letter of Intent had to actually have their dossiers searched out and pulled before any of their paperwork could be processed. Take note future adoptive parents!). It helps to feel that it’s not entirely random luck at work in this process. That logic can still be applied. But yes, it seems likely we’ll be flying solo - sending back messages from afar (I will create a new blog just for the journey, I think. And Ren has promised to receive our email updates and photos and post for us while we’re gone. Stay tuned for a future web address) pioneering the program. And I’ll take that, of course. I’m completely grateful for this opportunity. I cannot wait to meet this wonderful child in real life and 3-D. But I am feeling for the families who are still waiting. But hell, really, I’m still waiting, too. It’s not like she’s home yet. Plenty left to obsess over and worry about!

Anyway the best part of the day was when we got an email with answers to some questions about Fang Fang that we sent to the Changzhou SWI. I won’t post the whole thing – some of it is intensely personal and private and not meant to be shared with the big wide web world – but I will share a few choice bits (aside from the fantastic Favonian part):

-She likes all kinds of food. She is not hypercritical about food.

People – hearken back to this: Eat and see a dream come true!

-She gets up at 6:30 in the morning.

Okay. Uh. Check out the first few paragraphs of this: Dream Girl and worry with me. Maybe I’ll keep her on China Time.

-She likes animal toys, but has never been with animals.

Well, that will be interesting.

-She’ll get angry when you snatch toys from her hands.

As her Aunt Gina said, “Who the hell is SNATCHING toys from her hands?” And, don’t we all?

-We have not found anything that she is afraid of.

I don’t know what to say about this. Except that, apparently, this baby girl might already be braver than me. Which, all things considered, when you measure up both our lives so far, is not that surprising.

And, finally, this: She is energetic and lively. She likes to play with her little friends. She is very happy when you talk to her and tease her.

This makes me happy to read. I want to imagine her playing and laughing and being lively. I want to imagine her being talked to and (gently – no snatching!) teased. I want to think of her as happy and warm and safe. Those are the best things I could wish for right now.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOSC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New Picture 2 I know that lots of you have seen her privately - but here she is! Little F! Fang-Fang!! Chang Ji Fang (after adoption she will be Bell JiFang Kelly-Rossini)!!! We got our Letter of Seeking Confirmation today which means that, most likely, she will be home well before her second birthday at the end of March! Isn't she gorgeous???????? I am so, so, SO relieved! And I could not have asked for a better (slightly belated) 35th birthday present!

Smile I am going to go sob in a corner now. I am so happy!!!!

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Round Enjoyable Healthy Comfortable Slimy

2007-12-31 089

Sorry for the lull. The holidays kept me busy. And when I wasn’t busy, I was napping on the couch.

So, it seems that even if I am incredibly dangerous when it comes to cooking (I left the basting brush in the roasting pan and we had Chicken A La Plastique for dinner. I mean, the brush actually melted into nasty white gummy plastic rivulets that coated the bottom of the pan it was so bad. And just to be clear, the melted plastic didn’t actually touch the chicken – but still… And the Brooklyn Fam was so nice, and sweet and uncomplaining that they insisted on eating the bird anyway and even said it tasted good. And Brooklyn Dad gallantly admitted he might be partially to blame for my tragic mistake because of the way he so ever so diligently kept my wine glass topped off while I cooked) I can count on Mother Nature to be at her best for the Brooklyn Family. The first time they came up, Brooklyn Mama got to stand in my backyard and watch a dozen shooting stars fizz through a perfect night sky, and this time, that self same sky opened up and dumped a good six inches of perfectly fluffy, sticky, snowman/ball/arch/fort/reindeer-rabbit-whatever- it-was-that-Brooklyn-Mama-sculpted while-the-rest –of-us-barbarians-pelted-each-other-with-snow-snow on the ground. That great kind of snow that sticks to trees and makes cute little cones on top of the fence posts. It was very picture perfect. And I think it was a sign – just like the shooting stars – that Mother Nature wants the Brooklyn Family to move up here. That it is meant to be. And even if Mother Nature could care less – well, Spike wants Ping to move up here, so that should be good enough, right?

So, New Years was fondue (both cheese and chocolate) and sparklers and champagne and confusing the neighbors by banging pots and pans an hour early because we didn’t think Ping would make midnight (didn’t fool her at all. She knew she was missing The Real Thing. But she was nice about it and went to sleep anyway). And our visit was lots of late night in front of the fire venting about The Wait, and Hollywood gossip, and watching the kids dance wildly to Outkast, and make couch cushion forts, and this giant coffee cake that the Brooklyn Family brought and which I seriously had to control myself from inhaling in its entirety after I had my first piece (and I only managed to do that because Brooklyn Mama was sitting directly across from me and I couldn’t bear to think she’d always remember this visit as the time Maia ate an entire giant cake in one sitting) and never ending games of Apples to Apples (hence the title of this post) and a close reading of The Miss America Cookbook (complete with an excellent recipe for Green Pepper Jelly). What more could we ask for?

And there is definitely comfort in knowing someone who is going through the exact same miserable wait as you are – worrying together about our babies across the world – wondering when we will ever get the news we’ve been waiting on for way too long now, feeling apprehensive about parenting a second time, and yet still wanting nothing so much as we want to hold our new baby girls in our arms.

This wait is starting to really hurt lately, people. And I know I’m replaying the same old tune over and over – but it’s a strange sensation to feel like the closer we get, the more things slip away. When we first entered this program, we were told that it would be faster than the regular program (and don’t get me wrong, it’s still totally faster than the wait in the Traditional program. I don’t think we’re counting this thing in years, people) but at this point we’re coming up on something very close to the regular SN program – and we still don’t know when we’ll be cleared to travel – or even get our Letter Of Approval. And it’s nobody’s fault – our agency is fantastic, and I know they’re sweating over this just like we are, and I’m sure the folks in China want it all to happen as fast as possible, too, but for whatever reason – we’re still waiting. And every day that passes rubs that wound a little more raw for me. Because I want my girl home. I want this new part of my life to start.

I turn 35 next week. Yes. It’s true – Elvis, David Bowie, Butterfly McQueen, and I share a birthday. And in most ways, things are better than I could ever ask for. Not only do I have all that uber stuff – my good health, a loving and lovely mate, fantastic kids, a big, warm family, great friends – but the other stuff is good, too. We’re financially sound, we live in a beautiful house in a beautiful place, my work is totally fun and eventually will be extremely lucrative, I have a nice dog and three nice cats, I still cut a presentably comely figure when I need to… the roses in my garden really bloom, you know? And I regularly count my blessings. I honestly do. But I also feel like I’ve been on the verge of so many things lately – just teetering on the edge of change – and though I try to simply enjoy the now – appreciate how nice the moment really is – the simple act of waiting is starting to wear me down.

And I know all the tricks - admiring what I already have, getting quasi-mystical about things (it’s taking this long because I have to learn to…/meet this person…/deal with this situation…/buy another dress for Little F…. It’s supposed to happen this way!) focusing on my work, keeping myself busy... I get it, I get it. But even those things can’t always make up for the fact that I go to sleep thinking of this little face – this face that is so far away from me - and who really needs what I am so ready to give her. I am going to love this child so fiercely. I am going to do my best to keep her warm and safe and happy. To let her feel that love. And I know she’s not in a bad place – I know there are people who are taking care of her – that she is doing okay. I know that. But she needs more than what she is being given right now. Because any child in her situation would. I know that in the depths of my Mother Soul. And so, the wait grinds me down. Leaves me sad. Worries me. Wears away at my patience. And I know that everyone says that it will be forgotten once she is here – just like the pain of childbirth – all this agony disappears and suddenly it’s all butterflies and twinkly sequins and raspberry marshmallow fondue - but you know what? I gave birth to a ten pound baby – no epidural – and if you think I don’t remember what that felt like - you’re crazy. I’m not going to forget this. I’m not going to forget the missing days – this time and separation between us that I will never be able to change. And I worry that I will never get over the feeling that her in between time – the time between her First Family and Us – might have left her with a little piece of something inconsolable. Because every child should feel like she is the center of someone’s world – every baby should feel like she can call and be answered - and right now I’m not so sure that she does.

I didn’t mean to veer so far to the angry/worried/longing side of things – but let’s face it, scratch my surface these days and that’s what you get. I’m a walking mass of mother love and worry with no proper release. I mean, I’m just a monkey under the skin – needing to hold my baby close and smell her and nibble on her and pick through her fur, so I can feel like things are right again. That’s what we do. That’s what we really are. That’s what we need.

Ryan bought me an antique trough for Christmas. And there is something awfully eloquent and spot on for me about a big empty vessel that exists to be filled. And there is also no denying that it looks awfully like a cradle.